I have become rather proficient at closing pharmacies over the years, and when I had the chance to work at Dr. Kellogg's Sanitarium in its last days before being absorbed by the Battle Creek "Health System" (which, in turn, was absorbed by Bronson Hospital of Kalamazoo), I jumped at it.
We even did a skit for its final weeks before the building was absorbed (and, subsequently, mostly shut down). Here is the text (oh the dangers of keeping ancient floppy disks! Oh those 1990s!):
SKIT: HAS IT BEEN 127 YEARS ALREADY? (I was "Jim" and we had three volunteers to read "1" "2" and "3" - such inventive naming!)
JIM: Good morning! This is radio station WSAN signing on from the ballroom high atop the Gilbert Hotel, bringing you happiness, healthiness, and Wham sandwiches. Remember--if your stomach craves that one-two punch for lunch, make a slam with Wham. And that's no baloney.
We now pause for technical difficulties beyond my control. Please stand by.
#1: THE RECENT OUTBREAK OF DROPSY IN THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE HAS PROMPTED THE CENTERS FOR PANIC AND CONFUSION TO ISSUE THE FOLLOWING ALERT:
#2: THERE IS A STRING SHORTAGE.
#3: SPURRED PARTLY BY THE PREVALANCE OF CABLE PURCHASE NETWORKS AND NO-STRINGS-ATTACHED USED AUTO DEALS, OUR NATION IS EXPERIENCING A DROP IN STRING PRODUCTION.
#1: THE C-P-C IS THEREFORE REQUESTING THAT ALL AMERICANS START SAVING STRING.
#2: RETRIEVE THOSE SNIPPETS FROM FLUFFY, GATHER THOSE SHREDS FROM YOUR ACID WASHED JEANS. BUNDLE THEM UP, PLACE THEM IN AN OLD SOCK, AND STORE THEM IN A SECURE SPOT BEHIND THE REFRIGERATOR.
#3: THE FUTURE IS NOT NECESSARILY BLEAK--YOUR GOVERNMENT HAS DEVOTED FEDERAL RESEARCH FUNDS TO THE STUDY OF HEMP AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR STRING.
#1: UNFORTUNATELY, UNTIL NEGOTIATIONS WITH DRUG ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES CAN BE COMPLETED, SUCH STRING WOULD BE AVAILABLE BY PRESCRIPTION ONLY.
#2: THERE ARE MANY IMPLICATIONS IN A NATION BEING STRUNG OUT; IT COULD UNRAVEL OUR SOCIETY.
#3: IN THE INTEREST OF NATIONAL SECURITY WE MUST PULL TOGETHER TO TIE ONE ON. THANK YOU.
JIM: We interrrupt this public service announcement to bring you the following news bulletin just handed me. FLASH! Radio station WSAN is being pulled under the umbrella of the Battle Creek Health System. We now go to our roving reporter attending an important press conference.
#1: This is Phil Stripples at the hospital press conference....
#2: Ah, excuse me, we prefer the term health center to hospital. Hospital denotes sickness, so that gives a negative reflection to what we do here.
#1: Which is...
#2: Dealing with sick people, of course. We're a hospital.
#1: I see. So when will the purchase of...
#2: Now, don't say purchase. That implies we have a lot of money. We prefer to say joint operating agreement.
#1: Fine. So when will this joint operating agreement take place?
#2: I don't know.
#1: Who will be in charge?
#2: I can't say.
#1: Will the name of the station remain the same?
#2: Who can tell?
#1: Where's the money coming from?
#2: That's confidential.
#1: Will this improve the quality of radio in this town?
#2: Wouldn't you like to know.
#1: Well, I guess that answers all my questions. Thank you for your time.
#2: Any time you need answers, just remember that I'm the one to call.
#1: This is Phil Stripples returning you to the studios of WSAN.
JIM: Thank you, Phil, for that informative report. This portion of the program is brought to you by Plebo, one of the nation's formost manufacturers. They've been manufacturing formosts for years. Or try our new economy size FIVEmosts! But remember, with fivemosts, you must use caution. Caution comes in six delicious flavors. Five out of ten doctors recommend Plebo. But ladies, remember, if Plebo persists, see your doctor. If your doctor persists, use Caution.
#3: WILL YOU BOYS AND GIRLS GET A PLEASANT SURPRISE WHEN YOU TRY GROVE'S EMULSIFIED NOSE DROPS. THEY'RE ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FROM THE NOSE DROPS YOU HAVE BEEN TAKING. THESE NOSE DROPS WON'T MAKE YOUR NOSE BURN AND SMART. THEY WON'T RUN OUT OF YOUR NOSE, EITHER, AND MAKE YOU ALL MESSY. NO SIREE!
#4:GROVE'S EMULSIFIED NOSE DROPS ARE NICE AND MILD, AND THEY STAY PUT RIGHT IN YOUR NOSE. THEY LOOK AND FEEL LIKE SO MUCH FRESH CREAM...WHY, YOU'D NEVER THINK OF THEM AS MEDICINE AT ALL. YET THEY DO A GRAND JOB IN TREATING ANY HEAD COLD OR NOSE COLD.
#1: THEY'RE SO MUCH LIKE MOTHER PUTTING A LITTLE FRESH CREAM UP YOUR NOSE, AND YOU WOULDN'T OBJECT TO THAT, NOW, WOULD YOU?
#2: LET A TRIAL PROVE IT TO YOU. ASK MOTHER TO GET A BOTTLE IN THE HOUSE TODAY.
JIM: So if anything goes into your nose, make sure it's Groves'. It's emulsified. Let's pause for a little morning exercise.
#1: GOOD MORNING AND WELCOME TO THE DAILY DOZEN EXERCISE PROGRAM WHERE IT'S CONSIDERED GOOD MANNERS TO WORK UP A SWEAT.
#2: EXERCISE ONE: THE CURVE AND SHAKE. ON THE COUNT OF ONE, PUT YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD, ON THE COUNT OF TWO, PUT YOUR BEST FOOT BACK; ONE THE COUNT OF THREE, PUT YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD AND SHAKE IT. ON THE COUNT OF FOUR HOP ONCE AND GRUNT.
#3: INHALE DURING THE FIRST COUNT OF FOUR, EXHALE DURING THE SECOND COUNT OF FOUR. READY...START THE MUSIC AND BEGIN...
JIM: We interrupt this workout to bring you the following special bulletin just handed me. FLASH! The purchase of radio station WSAN by the Battle Creek Health System is on hold. We have media representative Ted Nugent on the line...
#1: We have discovered coffee grounds in the water...no... we have discovered ground water coffee... no... contamination... oh what does this say? We don't want to play anymore.
JIM: Hello? Hello? We seem to have lost our connection. Oh, a call on line five. Hello?
Dr. Kellogg: Hello? This is Dr. Kellogg.
JIM: Dr. Kellogg? This is a surprise. I thought you were... well...
Dr. Kellogg: I'm not well at all...I'm dead.
JIM: So what are you doing for exercise these days?
Dr. Kellogg: Spinning in my grave, mostly. Look, I had a machine that could take care of this sort of congested thinking in 15 seconds. Goodbye!
JIM: Thank you, doctor, for taking time out from your eternal rest to talk with us. Another bulletin just handed me. FLASH! WSAN is being purchased by Grove's Inc., makers of Grove's Emulsified Nose Drops. We have this reaction from the Battle Creek Health System.
#2: AAAAUGH!
JIM: And this from Grove's, Inc.
#3: Goodie!
JIM: Just a reminder that this portion of the program is being brought to you by Vegelinks, with the look of real wood, now playing at a theatre near you. This bulletin just in--FLASH! Grove's Inc., makers of Grove's Emulsified Nose Drops, is being purchased by the Battle Creek Health System. This reaction from Grove's, Inc.:
#2: AAUGH!
JIM: And this from the Battle Creek Health System:
#3: HEH HEH HEH
JIM: More on this as it develops. Please stay tuned. Until then, this is radio station WSAN, broadcasting from the ballroom atop the Gilbert hotel, signing off and wishing you health, happiness, and --for that one-two punch for lunch-- remember to make a slam with WHAM. Goodnight!
We even did a skit for its final weeks before the building was absorbed (and, subsequently, mostly shut down). Here is the text (oh the dangers of keeping ancient floppy disks! Oh those 1990s!):
SKIT: HAS IT BEEN 127 YEARS ALREADY? (I was "Jim" and we had three volunteers to read "1" "2" and "3" - such inventive naming!)
JIM: Good morning! This is radio station WSAN signing on from the ballroom high atop the Gilbert Hotel, bringing you happiness, healthiness, and Wham sandwiches. Remember--if your stomach craves that one-two punch for lunch, make a slam with Wham. And that's no baloney.
We now pause for technical difficulties beyond my control. Please stand by.
#1: THE RECENT OUTBREAK OF DROPSY IN THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE HAS PROMPTED THE CENTERS FOR PANIC AND CONFUSION TO ISSUE THE FOLLOWING ALERT:
#2: THERE IS A STRING SHORTAGE.
#3: SPURRED PARTLY BY THE PREVALANCE OF CABLE PURCHASE NETWORKS AND NO-STRINGS-ATTACHED USED AUTO DEALS, OUR NATION IS EXPERIENCING A DROP IN STRING PRODUCTION.
#1: THE C-P-C IS THEREFORE REQUESTING THAT ALL AMERICANS START SAVING STRING.
#2: RETRIEVE THOSE SNIPPETS FROM FLUFFY, GATHER THOSE SHREDS FROM YOUR ACID WASHED JEANS. BUNDLE THEM UP, PLACE THEM IN AN OLD SOCK, AND STORE THEM IN A SECURE SPOT BEHIND THE REFRIGERATOR.
#3: THE FUTURE IS NOT NECESSARILY BLEAK--YOUR GOVERNMENT HAS DEVOTED FEDERAL RESEARCH FUNDS TO THE STUDY OF HEMP AS A SUBSTITUTE FOR STRING.
#1: UNFORTUNATELY, UNTIL NEGOTIATIONS WITH DRUG ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES CAN BE COMPLETED, SUCH STRING WOULD BE AVAILABLE BY PRESCRIPTION ONLY.
#2: THERE ARE MANY IMPLICATIONS IN A NATION BEING STRUNG OUT; IT COULD UNRAVEL OUR SOCIETY.
#3: IN THE INTEREST OF NATIONAL SECURITY WE MUST PULL TOGETHER TO TIE ONE ON. THANK YOU.
JIM: We interrrupt this public service announcement to bring you the following news bulletin just handed me. FLASH! Radio station WSAN is being pulled under the umbrella of the Battle Creek Health System. We now go to our roving reporter attending an important press conference.
#1: This is Phil Stripples at the hospital press conference....
#2: Ah, excuse me, we prefer the term health center to hospital. Hospital denotes sickness, so that gives a negative reflection to what we do here.
#1: Which is...
#2: Dealing with sick people, of course. We're a hospital.
#1: I see. So when will the purchase of...
#2: Now, don't say purchase. That implies we have a lot of money. We prefer to say joint operating agreement.
#1: Fine. So when will this joint operating agreement take place?
#2: I don't know.
#1: Who will be in charge?
#2: I can't say.
#1: Will the name of the station remain the same?
#2: Who can tell?
#1: Where's the money coming from?
#2: That's confidential.
#1: Will this improve the quality of radio in this town?
#2: Wouldn't you like to know.
#1: Well, I guess that answers all my questions. Thank you for your time.
#2: Any time you need answers, just remember that I'm the one to call.
#1: This is Phil Stripples returning you to the studios of WSAN.
JIM: Thank you, Phil, for that informative report. This portion of the program is brought to you by Plebo, one of the nation's formost manufacturers. They've been manufacturing formosts for years. Or try our new economy size FIVEmosts! But remember, with fivemosts, you must use caution. Caution comes in six delicious flavors. Five out of ten doctors recommend Plebo. But ladies, remember, if Plebo persists, see your doctor. If your doctor persists, use Caution.
#3: WILL YOU BOYS AND GIRLS GET A PLEASANT SURPRISE WHEN YOU TRY GROVE'S EMULSIFIED NOSE DROPS. THEY'RE ENTIRELY DIFFERENT FROM THE NOSE DROPS YOU HAVE BEEN TAKING. THESE NOSE DROPS WON'T MAKE YOUR NOSE BURN AND SMART. THEY WON'T RUN OUT OF YOUR NOSE, EITHER, AND MAKE YOU ALL MESSY. NO SIREE!
#4:GROVE'S EMULSIFIED NOSE DROPS ARE NICE AND MILD, AND THEY STAY PUT RIGHT IN YOUR NOSE. THEY LOOK AND FEEL LIKE SO MUCH FRESH CREAM...WHY, YOU'D NEVER THINK OF THEM AS MEDICINE AT ALL. YET THEY DO A GRAND JOB IN TREATING ANY HEAD COLD OR NOSE COLD.
#1: THEY'RE SO MUCH LIKE MOTHER PUTTING A LITTLE FRESH CREAM UP YOUR NOSE, AND YOU WOULDN'T OBJECT TO THAT, NOW, WOULD YOU?
#2: LET A TRIAL PROVE IT TO YOU. ASK MOTHER TO GET A BOTTLE IN THE HOUSE TODAY.
JIM: So if anything goes into your nose, make sure it's Groves'. It's emulsified. Let's pause for a little morning exercise.
#1: GOOD MORNING AND WELCOME TO THE DAILY DOZEN EXERCISE PROGRAM WHERE IT'S CONSIDERED GOOD MANNERS TO WORK UP A SWEAT.
#2: EXERCISE ONE: THE CURVE AND SHAKE. ON THE COUNT OF ONE, PUT YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD, ON THE COUNT OF TWO, PUT YOUR BEST FOOT BACK; ONE THE COUNT OF THREE, PUT YOUR BEST FOOT FORWARD AND SHAKE IT. ON THE COUNT OF FOUR HOP ONCE AND GRUNT.
#3: INHALE DURING THE FIRST COUNT OF FOUR, EXHALE DURING THE SECOND COUNT OF FOUR. READY...START THE MUSIC AND BEGIN...
JIM: We interrupt this workout to bring you the following special bulletin just handed me. FLASH! The purchase of radio station WSAN by the Battle Creek Health System is on hold. We have media representative Ted Nugent on the line...
#1: We have discovered coffee grounds in the water...no... we have discovered ground water coffee... no... contamination... oh what does this say? We don't want to play anymore.
JIM: Hello? Hello? We seem to have lost our connection. Oh, a call on line five. Hello?
Dr. Kellogg: Hello? This is Dr. Kellogg.
JIM: Dr. Kellogg? This is a surprise. I thought you were... well...
Dr. Kellogg: I'm not well at all...I'm dead.
JIM: So what are you doing for exercise these days?
Dr. Kellogg: Spinning in my grave, mostly. Look, I had a machine that could take care of this sort of congested thinking in 15 seconds. Goodbye!
JIM: Thank you, doctor, for taking time out from your eternal rest to talk with us. Another bulletin just handed me. FLASH! WSAN is being purchased by Grove's Inc., makers of Grove's Emulsified Nose Drops. We have this reaction from the Battle Creek Health System.
#2: AAAAUGH!
JIM: And this from Grove's, Inc.
#3: Goodie!
JIM: Just a reminder that this portion of the program is being brought to you by Vegelinks, with the look of real wood, now playing at a theatre near you. This bulletin just in--FLASH! Grove's Inc., makers of Grove's Emulsified Nose Drops, is being purchased by the Battle Creek Health System. This reaction from Grove's, Inc.:
#2: AAUGH!
JIM: And this from the Battle Creek Health System:
#3: HEH HEH HEH
JIM: More on this as it develops. Please stay tuned. Until then, this is radio station WSAN, broadcasting from the ballroom atop the Gilbert hotel, signing off and wishing you health, happiness, and --for that one-two punch for lunch-- remember to make a slam with WHAM. Goodnight!
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