Post 746 - May Flower Moon Sketch - for ASIFA Newsletter

(c) MMXXV (2025) Jim Middleton, The Animating Apothecary

 

Post 745 - Splinter Groups and the Glory of Collecting Toothpicks

SLIVERS IN THE TEETH - AND OTHER DENTAL WOODWORK
Notebook Entry - February, 1988

    Like matchbook collectors, mavens of the toothpick tend to hang around restaurants, bars, and cocktail waitresses.  The beginner starts young, relinquishing his Nuk nipple only for the finest quality woods, eventually transformed from the mere chewer of straw at the corner drugstore into a member of the most elite of associations, the Splinter Group.  Among those in the SG, collecting toothpicks is not so much a hobby as it is a way of life.

    Becoming a member of the Splinter Group (or its spinoff, the Reformed Splinters, also known as "R-splint" or RS) has its advantages, the most striking being its dental plan, deemed by some to be the most comprehensive in the nation.  Since the membership is renowned for its clean teeth, group coverage represents a minimal expense to the underwriters.  In addition, potential members are drawn by the annual "It'll Never Get Better If You Picket" bus tour which encompasses the major forests and lumber mills of New England and the Northwest.

    How does the casual collector of toothpicks meet the strict qualifications of becoming a member of the Splinter Group?  There are two ways: (1) the applicant must submit an affadavit attesting that his collection is his own and not an inheritance; that no part of his collection consists of plastic cocktail forks or the rubberized "reproductions" that plagued the market from 1924-1937; that his collection contains at least one specimen cut from (a) ivory (not the soap, and not from unintended sources--one applicant was denied membership for trying to pass off slivers from his Aunt Jessica's piano keys as the genuine article), (b) ebony or teak wood, and (c) sterling silver; or (2) he can send in sixteen bucks.

    I know I have derived considerable pleasure in collecting toothpicks for the past thirty years.  In fact, my many duplicates were glued together last summer to patch a hole in the garage roof, thus reassuring me and scoffing at those who consider gathering these indispensable shards of wood a waste of time.  My prized possession is a specimen either used by George Washington or a bit of fallout after some heavy teeth gnashing during the American Revolution.  In any case, I keep it in a velvet-lined box somewhere in my basement.  Someday I hope to find it.

 

Post 744 - Public Service Announcement - Sigmoidoscopy (nudge nudge wink wink)

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT - ETIQUETTE DURING SIGMOIDOSCOPIES

WHILE POLITELY DESCRIBED AS A SIMILAR SENSATION TO BEING CONFINED IN A TURKISH PRISON, SIGMOIDOSCOPIES HAVE A VALUABLE PLACE IN A PHYSICIAN'S DIAGNOSTIC TOOLBOX.

THERE ARE SOME RULES THAT SHOULD BE FOLLOWED:

(1) FAINTING AT THE SIGHT OF THE MAMMOTH HOSE ABOUT TO VIOLATE YOUR BODY IS PERMITTED; HOWEVER, AVOID COMMENTS LIKE, "HEY BUDDY, JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO DO WITH THAT THING?"  SUCH COMMENTS ARE RUDE, AND YOU WILL FIND OUT SOON ENOUGH ANYWAY.

(2) REFRAIN FROM EATING BEANS, ONIONS, OR CURRIED SHRIMP THE NIGHT BEFORE THE PROCEDURE.  THIS IS FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE OTHERS IN THE ROOM, SINCE YOU WILL BE AN UNCONSCIOUS, JELLYLIKE MASS BY THIS TIME.

(3) BE VERY KIND TO THOSE PERFORMING THE PROCEDURE.  REMEMBER, YOU ARE PROBABLY UNCONSCIOUS AND WILL NOT FEEL SOMETHING LIKE A TATOO BEING PUT IN A PLACE YOU WILL NEVER SEE.

REMEMBER THESE SIMPLE RULES DURING THE PROCEDURE AND YOUR SIGMOIDOSCOPY WILL BE A MORE ENJOYABLE, POLITE EXPERIENCE.

DISENGAGE

END OF PROGRAM

STOP

Post 743 - Heresy At the Viaduct - Reimagining "The Cocoanuts" with The Four Marx Brothers

The Cocoanuts Reduction - 75 minutes 

The Public Domain introduced the first Marx Brothers film, The Cocoanuts, into its arms this year.  The 1929 early talkie is best taken in comparison to other films from Paramount, notably Follow Through, that were essentially filmed records of the stage success.  

"Hey, hey!  That's only for long distances."

What has always stood out for me is how the brothers, while uncomfortable in the new medium for this first outing, seem far less forced in their performances than others making the transition.  In Follow Through,  Jack Haley and Zelma O'Neal seem to be arching themselves to the overhead microphone ("You Belong to Me") or playing to an invisible back row ("I Want to be Bad").   The Marxes seem aware of their staging but are more comfortable in their own skins - the conversations are more directed to each other than to someone off-camera (although Groucho has several glances at the camera just to check where things are going).  Follow Through is online, in two-strip Technicolor, in all its contrived plot line splendor - Follow Through - 1930 - youtube

What didn't age well in The Cocoanuts is the subplot.  Oscar Shaw is hardly a youthful love interest, and Mary Eaton's voice is shrill even for 1920's musical tastes (they were an apparent "pair" at the time on stage).   Their presence, along with their stilted non-comic lines, really drag the film into curio status.

So I committed heresy - I started cutting.  Trimming.  Peeling out about a reel's worth from the original film.  

What couldn't really be helped was the absolutely feeble concluding scene, where the plot is all resolved, and Mary Eaton peels out yet another rendition of When My Dreams Come True.   Even with the edits, even with the removal of flubbed lines, the faults in the structure of that segment can't be masked - they can only be made shorter.  And just where did Polly get those two copies of the mysterious maps to Cocoanut Grove?

I found a 1926 Victor recording of "Gems from The Cocoanuts" in my audio archives, and it includes some music that didn't make the journey to the filmed version, so I took liberty to play with the opening montage, the Lovely Land Called Florida segment, and the closing reprise of Dreams Come True by replacing the final song with A Little Bungalow.  

What remains is a brisk 75 minute version of The Cocoanuts, retaining the repeated confusion of whether Groucho's missed train is the 4:15 or the 4:30, but removing many of the distractions from the brothers' scenes.  It makes their first film a logical prelude to their characters in Monkey Business, even if it doesn't completely lay the groundwork for their second film, the classic Animal Crackers  (which will go into Public Domain in 2026, with the benefit of added clips that were discovered in an uncensored British print just a few years ago).  

I have always found it interesting that it took so long for film producers to understand that the purpose of the chorus lines and the love interests was just to allow the Marxes the chance to rest between their dynamic scenes and reset the stage behind the curtain.  In film, you can just cut, and the sweat equity is already taken care of.  Bob Gassel of the Marx Brothers Council Podcast, - Link to that site here  - a genius at creating lost continuity, did just that a few years ago, in his "Paramount edits" of their MGM films, where the potently flawed At the Circus and The Big Store were both trimmed to a fairly palatable 45 minutes.  

Think what you may, The Cocoanuts is my current favorite tasty treat in this truncated form: 

The Cocoanuts Reduction on Vimeo

And, while I was at it, I thought their "final" film could have some uninvited attention, too (it entered the public domain several years ago):  

A Night in Casablanca Revisit - 74 minutes

Post 742 - Atticus (the Catticus)