Post 505 - "Dual-Duel" - Draft for an Unproduced Evening of Relationship Vignettes - Pre-Cellphone

 DUAL/DUEL - A distraction in three scenes
Draft by Jim Middleton
For a series of short views on relationships for a local college theatre (1980, project abandoned)

available in "You Didn't Hear It From Me!" at Amazon - https://www.amazon.com/You-Didnt-Hear-Performance-Perpetrations/dp/B0CZ7J4Y1G

Minimal props and two 20-ish characters

Lights up

A Phone is ringing.

SHE:  (answering the phone): Hello.  Just a second.  I think he's in the shower.
She turns on the cold water tap at the sink
A yell comes from the distance.

 
SHE: Yeah.  He'll be right down.  
HE: Hey, I was in the shower!  
SHE: Telephone.
HE: Oh. Hello.  Fine and what's the matter?  Let's make it eleven, ok? Sure. Bye.
SHE: You let that guy walk all over you.  
HE: Naah – he wanted me in at nine.
SHE: Oh you toughie.  
HE:  A will of iron.
SHE: (looking at the wet floor) You spring a leak?
HE: I like the wet look.  
SHE: Not on my floor,  
HE: Mine too; share and share-
SHE: I clean it, it's mine; cleanliness is nine-tenths of the law.
HE: I love it when you're forceful.  Come here and wrinkle my towel.  
SHE: No perversion in the kitchen.
HE: I need an appetite for breakfast, which you weren't supposed to make.  
SHE:  I got tired of french toast.  
HE: I could have made omelets.
SHE:  With that cheese and god knows what all running out of the center?  
HE: So I like mine with a little life in it.  
SHE: To the showers, knave.
HE: Just trying to help.  I mean, it's my day off.
SHE: In ten seconds I'm going to put on Disco Duck and start dancing.  
HE: I'm gone.

He leaves.  She pulls out a newspaper.  The shower starts, she continues reading.  HE starts singing an off—key opera.  SHE casually turns to the sink and hits the cold water again.  HE screams.

Scene fade out and in.

The phone is ringing.  HE answers it.
HE:   Hi.  This is John. (changing voice now) And this is Marsha. (back to  original voice) We're in the shower right now and can't come to the phone.  If you'd like to leave a message and don't mind talking to a machine that's probably much smarter than you are, you can do so after the tone.  If you're  calling long distance, you've just been charged for one minute by listening  to this.  Beep!  
SHE (over the phone):  Smart stuff, raisin brain.  What if my mom should call  and get that crap?
HE: Oh she did already.  
SHE: What?!
HE: She said she was in a hurry for a hair arrointment, that your Cosmopolitan  is still going to the old address, and remember to wash behind your ears.  
SHE: She didn't.
HE: Do you mind if I have her forward the  Cosmo?  I love those covers.  
SHE: I don't believe this.  She hasn't even met you.
HE: Let's ask her over for pizza and beer.  She doesn't like anchovies, does  she?
SHE:  You are such a jerk.  Wait until I get home, young man...
HE: (reverts to answering machine voice)  Hi. This is John.  And this is Marsha.  We're in the shower right  now and can't come to the phone.  If you'd like to leave a message...  
SHE: Oooh.
SHE hangs up.
HE:  (smiling)...you have thirty seconds.  He hangs up.  
HE: Beep!

Fade out and in.
 
Dark.  In the bedroom.  Soft sounds of nature outside.

SHE:  That was a nice dinner.  Thanks.  
HE: My pleasure.
SHE:  Sorry I was late.  One of the salesmen screwed up a contract...
HE: Don't worry about it. I know you're hot stuff.  I was held up at the  store,  anyway.  
SHE: What for?
HE:  Some little kid was throwing grapes and shorted out the terminal.  
SHE:  Little kid?
HE: You know, that dangerous age – between one and forty.  Good aim,  though.
SHE:  Beaned you, huh?
HE:  Right between the eyes.  You know, whenever I get a little weak brained  and think I'd like a kid,  I  just go to the market and that takes care of  me for a good six months.  
SHE:  You were a kid once.
HE:  Yeah, but I outgrew it.  
SHE:  Sure.  
HE:  Sure.
SHE: By the way,  can we keep the stuffed penguin out of bed tonight?  
HE: Sparkie sleeps where I sleep.
SHE:  Just don't hold him that way.  It looks so gross.  
HE: What way?
SHE: That  way.  You look pregnant.  
(rustling sounds)  

HE:  How's that?  
SHE:  Better.
 (pause)  

HE:  Do you want to get married?
SHE:  I thought you just said you didn't want to have any kids.  
HE:  I didn't say I wanted kids.  I said I wanted you.  
(pause)  

SHE:  You'd have to meet Mom.  

HE:  You'd  have to meet Dad.  
SHE:  I can handle any man.  
HE:  Oh yeah?
(more rustling)
 
SHE:  Yeah.
(more rustling)

HE:  Good night Sparkie.
(The stuffed penguin sails across the room.)  

(various rustles and "mmmf s”)
The phone rings.
 
HE: Oh cripes.  
SHE: Shush.

It rings again.  The answering machine takes over.  

MACHINE:  Hi,  this is Marsha.  You are getting drowsy, very drowsy.
Shortly you will be sound asleep but still able to hear my  voice.  When you hear the beep you will leave your name and  message and then forget ever having made this call.  Peep.
VOICE:  Hi, Marsha?  This is Dave calling. again.  Say,  if you're not doing anything this Thursday, how about seeing that new film over in Ridgeway?
(voice fades)
 
Program fades
Sound and picture out.

Mary Poppins at the Devos Theatre in Grand Rapids - More Treacle than Brimstone

Perhaps it was the $50 nosebleed second balcony seats, or the cast figuring it's just those 'hicks from Grand Rapids,' but whatever it was being performed last weekend under the name of 'Mary Poppins' appeared so over-rehearsed and depersonalized as to be a sterile, mechanical experience with most of the performances being phoned in.

The 'updated' story has the somewhat scattered suffragette Mrs Banks becoming a frustrated former stage actress, the oblivious Mr Banks becoming a physically cruel father with a lewd eye towards the new nanny, and Mary Poppins becoming less of a magical governess and more of a 'good witch'.  In fact, the added musical bridges, insipid songs, and sung dialog had more to do with 'Wicked', 'Les Miz', and even 'Sweeney Todd' than it did with the Disney original. 

Obviously, the animated sequences would have been a challenge for a stage setting, but the substitution of naked statuary sans genitalia for the dancing penguins or singing lambs was just - well, creepy.  And the conversion of the "Supercalifragilisticespialidocious" song into a Richard Simmons-esque variation on a theme of "YMCA" was more sweaty than choreographed.  In fact, most of the choreography was pretty dreadful.  The "Step in Time" number was saved only by the character Bert's walk on the proscenium.

The sets were good, with lots of Germanic-cinema expressionism in the bank staging and some interesting forced perspective in the kitchen sequence.  In fact, given the Saturday afternoon experience with the musical, an hour or so of explanation of the operation of the set and how it worked would have been a far more entertaining outing.

In short, if you love the original movie, there is nothing added to this staged musical to make it worth your while.  Save your money and do as we did afterwards -- visit No. 17 Cherry Tree Lane on DVD and get all singy, sniffy, and sentimental.

AFTERTHOUGHT:
I'm wondering now if the same 'creative group' will go after the filmed musical "My Fair Lady" and make an 'updated' stage version of it!?  Imagine - Freddy marries Eliza this time, Col Pickering hooks up with the head housekeeper, and Eliza can have a duet with her phonograph complaining about being tools of Henry Higgins....and they can sing all the dialog, since that's what MUST be done in any musical onstage these days!